Your Friends Set Your Standard for Normal
In August 2023, I was staring at a half-finished spreadsheet on my laptop. It was late at night, I was supposed to be cleaning files, and instead I found myself making columns titled: Friend, Environment, Energy, Alignment, Challenge, Encouragement.
I didn’t know it at the time, but that random spreadsheet was the first time I ever tried to audit my relationships.
And the reason I’m telling you this story is because it revealed something that changed my entire trajectory: the people you surround yourself with will determine your standard for “normal.”
The Open Loop: Why Your Circle Is Probably Holding You Back
Here’s the uncomfortable truth: if you want extraordinary outcomes in life, you need to be out of the ordinary. But most of us spend our days surrounded by people who reinforce the average.
It’s not because they’re bad people. It’s because the bell curve of life pulls everyone toward the middle. And when your circle is average, “average” starts to feel safe.
But average never built a meaningful business. Average never transformed healthcare. Average never pulled a family out of generational poverty, or pushed a medical student to innovate beyond textbooks, or created wealth that lasts for generations.
So here’s the real question: how do you know if your circle is silently pulling you back toward average?
That’s what this essay is about.
Step 1: Recognize the Environment Problem
The best piece of advice I ever got came from Nick Soman. We were on a call before I had started JANUS, Brask, or any of the projects I’m building today. Out of nowhere he said:
“You’re a CEO, and you’re in the wrong environment.”
If anyone else had said it, I would’ve rolled my eyes. But here was a guy who had built and sold a company, who lived and breathed the world I wanted to enter. And he didn’t just see me as I was—he saw where I fit.
That’s when it clicked: my problem wasn’t that I didn’t have ambition, or discipline, or ideas. My problem was that I was playing in the wrong arena.
Step 2: Define What “Out of the Ordinary” Looks Like
Here’s the paradox: everyone says they want to achieve “extraordinary” results, but very few actually define what “out of the ordinary” looks like in their day-to-day.
Think of the bell curve. On the left, you’ve got the people who underperform. In the middle? The vast majority—good, decent, hardworking, but average. On the far right, you’ve got the 1–2% who are doing something exceptional.
Now ask yourself: what behaviors put you in the middle of that curve?
Consuming the same content everyone else consumes.
Spending time with people who never challenge you.
Chasing comfort over growth.
And what behaviors push you toward the right tail?
Asking uncomfortable questions.
Doing the reps when no one’s watching.
Saying no to environments that drag you back.
This is where your relationship audit begins. If you want to build something extraordinary—whether that’s a startup, a career in medicine, or a life of impact—you cannot only absorb inputs from the middle.
Step 3: Decide What You Will Tolerate
Your circle is less about who you add and more about what you tolerate.
When I was running JANUS, I noticed something. My clients who built the best companies weren’t necessarily smarter than anyone else. But they were ruthless about what they allowed in their orbit. They didn’t tolerate mediocrity.
And I realized: it’s the same in life. If you tolerate people who:
Complain but never act,
Validate your excuses instead of challenging your thinking,
Or drain energy instead of amplifying it…
…you are signaling to yourself that this is your standard.
Auditing your circle means drawing a line. You don’t need to “cut people off” in some dramatic way. But you do need to consciously invest less energy where the ROI is low.
Step 4: Build a Circle That Normalizes Your Ambition
So, how do you build the right circle? Here’s the formula I use:
Seek challenge. Join rooms where you feel slightly out of place. If you’re the smartest person in the room, you’re in the wrong room.
Normalize excellence. Surround yourself with people who make your big goals feel small, because they’ve already done it or are doing it.
Contribute back. This is key. Eventually, you’ll reach the point where you can sit at that table. Don’t just take. Bring value—ideas, energy, support.
I like to compare it to dating. When someone asks, “What do you bring to the table?”—most people flinch. But that’s the exact question you should be asking yourself in every relationship.
Step 5: Repeat the Audit
This isn’t a one-time exercise. Your circle drifts. People change. You change.
Every few months, ask yourself:
Who’s pushing me forward?
Who’s holding me back?
Am I showing up as someone worth investing in?
When you repeat this process, you’ll notice something fascinating: your tolerance for mediocrity shrinks, your circle sharpens, and your sense of “normal” shifts upward.
Closing the Loop
Remember that spreadsheet I started in August 2023? I never finished it. But the act of starting it was enough to wake me up. It forced me to confront a simple truth: if you want to be extraordinary, you cannot afford to surround yourself with average inputs.
Today, I can trace almost every meaningful step forward—every project, every opportunity, every collaboration—back to a decision I made about my circle.
So if you’re in your own “relationship audit” phase right now, don’t overthink it. Start small. Ask the hard questions. And commit to building a circle that elevates your standard of normal.
Because in the end, that’s what decides whether you land in the middle of the curve—or break out to the far right.
Action Steps You Can Take Today
Write down the 5 people you spend the most time with. Do they reflect who you want to become?
Audit one relationship: ask, “Is this person pushing me forward, holding me back, or keeping me in place?”
Join one environment this month that feels uncomfortable but inspiring. (A mastermind, a meetup, a class, even a new Twitter circle.)
Write down what you bring to the table. Be brutally honest.